Ok, here is the thing, I have this character sketch ting to turn in for school, and I need some help tweeking it. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. But heres the thing, it can only be three paragraphs. Should I put the second paragraph last, and the last second if I swapped the last two sentances of the last paragraph?
Wrinkled, tired, aged simply by time, an old man sits in a chair reading the daily newspaper. My classic grandfather: white hair and a cardigan, tall, slender, back hunched from time, just sitting there, smiling. I will always remember him just so.
His heart, so soft and pliable, was like gold. Yes, his heart was very much like gold, refined by fire many times. I suppose that is what made him so beautiful. He had all the bitterness and anger removed in the fires of his life, so all that was left was a pure, gentle heart of gold.
When I was younger, he wanted to dry my hair for me after my bath. Sitting in “his” chair he ran the brush through my hair as though he were brushing a baby’s hair for the very first time. Slow, soft strokes, brushing what seemed like one straight strand of hair at a time. He insisted on brushing my sisters hair as well. She has curly hair. He took that dryer to it, and made her head look just like a bunch of broccoli. He said she was beautiful all the same, not knowing what he had done. He had such a big heart. His actions truly spoke louder than his words.
Wrinkled, tired, and aged ("simply by time" is repeatitive and redundant), an old man sits in a chair reading the daily newspaper. My classic grandfather: white hair and a cardigan, tall, slender, back hunched from time, just sitting there, smiling. I will always remember him just so.
ReplyDeleteHis heart, so soft and pliable, was like gold. Yes, his heart was very much like gold, refined by fire many times. I suppose that is what made him so beautiful. He had all the bitterness and anger removed in the fires of his life, so all that was left was a pure, gentle heart of gold.
When I was younger, he wanted to dry my hair for me after my bath. Sitting in “his” chair he ran the brush through my hair as though he were brushing a baby’s hair for the very first time. Slow, soft strokes, brushing what seemed like one straight strand of hair at a time. He also brushed my sister's curly hair, taking a dyer to it. It made her head look like a broccoli's head. He said she was beautiful all the same, not knowing what he had done. He had such a big heart. His actions truly spoke louder than his words.
I changed some stuff, read it carefully. On the last sentence "His actions truly spoke louder than his words" maybe find a way to 'show' it rather than just saying it.
ok- I think what bj said id good. the real reason i'm leaving this is to tell you take off the "high school senior" from your profile. thas all
ReplyDeletelove you
Hmm.. I agree with everything BJ said. But instead of saying "Back hunched from time" Say something like "back hunched from years of farming along side the natives of countries all over the world." I think it adds interest.
ReplyDeleteI definately agree that you need to "show" how his actions spoke rather than say it. Or if you are going to say it then use a story that shows it. The different paragraphs don't seem to fit together very well. You talk about how he was refined but you don't say how, then you give an un-related story that doesn't really show how big his heart was.. it certainly shows how endearing he was though! If you want to show how big his heart was then talk about one of the many times he generously gave of himself.. You could even tell the story about the van and how he wouldn't go until he knew it was on it's way. Or if you want to keep the current story, end a different way. Say something about how he always saw things uniquely or how he always thought we were beautiful and how that was special. You see what I'm saying?? Ask me if you need any more help.